Scorpius wrote
To me, size has always been a problem in that I appear weak and puny compared to most men. I'm not that big, and it's definitely a confidence issue. Whenever I see an attractive girl with a boyfriend, he's always larger than her, size-wise. Even if he's shorter than her. I see this as a big obstacle for me, as I want an attractive woman.
And this
posting on no-girlfriend got me thinking.
Do forgive my ramblings.
The above two posts actually got me connecting some dots. All my life, Ive had a picture of me in my mind's eye as extremely thin as well as being 5'2". Probably from all the subtle and not so subtle bullying.
I can think of a few reasons for this, (some of them private). But one strong one that comes to mind is most of the people my size are women. So I formed a mental picture of myself as effiminate and thin.
However, I weigh 150lbs, perhaps 140 if I lose the fat (and gain no muscle in the process). So Im actually quite muscular.
Also, Im weird in a way because Ive had female interest (from the kind of girls I like) but became paralyzed. Different from a pure incel type situation. How much of this was my (false?) body image of not only being shorter, but lighter as well? Therefore being unable to dominate a woman at all?
Thing is, girls want something they can instinctually turn to. Bigger, stronger etc. Id guess my current oneitis is about 120-125lbs. Shes not got much fat on her, but is somewhat tomboyishly muscular.
Ive always thought it was like this: Say her strength is normalized to 1. I was then a 0.75. And her other suitor, maybe 2.
If that was the case Id feel shes always condescending if she talked to me (*see Note). Or she had every right to ignore me and talk to the other guy. I never talked to her while she was with her suitor, but the scenarios that went through my head were myriad.
1) She would laugh at all his jokes and ignore me.
2) I would be quiet most of the time, while her suitor animated, therefore he would get all the attention
3) Leaving the suitor aside, no one else would respect me, freely coming and talking to her in my presence. Or even hitting on her, considering me weaker and not a threat.
But she gave me signals, once while she was walking right with her suitor. What was that about if she was being condescending? I asked the question
here, but didn't get a straight answer.
So, what if the case was I was a 1.25, she was a 1, and her other suitor was a 2?
Then shes not being condescending, which may explain her (and the other one years back), interest in me).
Sure, the other guy is stronger, but in the same way that height becomes less relevant once you are taller than the girl, *perhaps* the same can be for strength, which might explain why they (my oneitises) didn't get my reluctance - they thought I was a good enough specimen physically and therefore concentrated on something mental - where I presume they saw some sort of advantage in me with their intuition - over the other guy. And they didn't understand why I studiously ignored them.
As for 3) above, this scenario might change. Just as its unlikely (in my head) for a 6'0 muscular guy to hit on a 5'2" girl if she has a 5'4" boyfriend, but likely that he would if her boyfriend was 5'0". Perhaps the key point is to be stronger/heavier than the girl, rather than taller for others to 'respect' it.
A diagrammatic representation.
A = Ardia, G = Girl, S = Suitor (other guy).
What I thought:
A---->G-->><---S
0.75 1 2
What might be:
A--><--G--><--S
1.25 1 2
(Or what might still be:
A---->G-->><---S
1.25 1 2)
Though its way late in the game, and I already tried and failed to talk to her after she got her boyfriend about a year ago, I think Ill try and talk to her again.
Her Boyfriend/Suitor I dont care about. I wouldn't push him under a truck, but I wouldn't call out to warn him if a truck was careening towards him either.
I am a little reluctant to talk to her though, apart from normal reticence - because basically if it works (small chance but whatever) it is basically ruining her, as Im asking her to dump someone for me - quite immoral.
Fschmidt, Im thinking about telling her the (private) stuff I told you about my life in Chicago, I can't really think of anything more interesting.
Whats the downside for me? Nothing. My life is fucked as is. If she blows me off - Im in no worse a position. Ill just have to scrape by my degree and never see her again which is what I am doing now. If she doesn't blow me off, well...
If she does neither - well it would make it awkward for her, but no worse for me.
Any thoughts or comments appreciated.
(*Note: The last time she tried to get my attention, I was walking with a 'friend', she came and walked besides me. I ignored her, she then bent her head a little down to try and get my attention more. That made me almost physically flinch away. Quite consistent with me thinking she was stronger than me (or taller than me?), which would clash with the inbuilt male algorithm of caring for a girl rather for being cared for by the girl).
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